This is me being open and vulnerable.

In my very first post on this blog I wrote that I tend to subconsciously start new journals/blogs when I feel like I'm entering into a new chapter of my life. I wrote, "There have been a ton of other things going on and many more transitions I've had to deal with lately but I'll save those for another date."

I guess this is that date.

I'm a loner, by definition, but I'm sort of a secret loner. Growing up I was an only child. I have a small family and I was the first grandchild. My parents were sort of antisocial so they didn't make play-dates with me and their friends' kids. I learned very early on how to spend time alone and enjoy my own company. I grew up living in my own head. Reading books, writing in my journals (I had my first journal when I was 5), tagging along with my dad when he was on his boat jobs and playing on the docks (he was a boat mechanic/diesel technician for a lot of my childhood...my favorite was when he was the mechanic for the 79th St. Boat Basin).

As I got older I made friends, had sleepovers, went out on the weekends, did normal girl things. All my best friends moved, though, and left me to find new best friends. My best friend in 1st & 2nd grade was Jenny, an "army brat" who had to leave when her dad got re-stationed. My best friend in 3rd & 4th grade was Megan, who went off to private school. In 5th grade I made "friends" (more like frienemies) with this girl M. She was my best friend and worst enemy all at once. She would make fun of me behind my back to our other friends, turn friends against each other because she was bored, stole from me, etc. Maybe your typical girl stuff, except I was never like that. Over the years we stayed friends, though (along with K). We had our group and some people came in and out of the group but we always stayed. We were best friends throughout Middle School, High School, College and then into our young adult-hood. We got over our little-kid problems and grew into actual best friends.

As of last year there were 5 of us who were still friends. There was always a lot of drama and talking behind peoples' backs, lots of high school stuff (that said, there were PLENTY of awesome, fun memories, the drama just happened to follow). It all came to a head somewhere around August.

Basically it went like this:

Brian and Sean don't get along with a male friend of ours. Mel was having a birthday party and asked me not to bring them. Instead of letting them be adults and make the decision themselves, instead of asking them herself, instead of staying out of it. I thought that was rude. I told her so and didn't go to the party. M and I talked about it, she agreed with me. M had a party a month later. When sending out invitations, she sent Brian and Sean separate emails starting with, "I'm sending out invitations to my birthday party and you won't be getting one." She sent me an email saying how we'll always be us and how she's my best friend, etc. I appreciated the email but couldn't believe she turned around and did the same thing Mel did. I was put in a position to choose between my friend and my bf and other friend, when I felt like it wasn't even necessary. I felt like adults shouldn't be doing things like that. Adults should let other adults make their own decisions. It shouldn't have become that big of a deal.

So I took a step back. I was hurt. I would never do that to my friends, I would never make them feel like I was choosing someone else over them. I would treat their boyfriends like they were just extenstions of them, with respect. Because it involved Brian and Sean, there was a lot of talking behind my back and a lot of lies. I felt betrayed. Best friends should have open lines of communication. They should ask questions and not make assumptions. The whole situation felt very high school ("You can't come to my birthday party because you were mean to my friend,") and I couldn't handle it. I was just over it completely. I called M to say Happy Birthday and haven't talked to anyone since. I received a drunken text from M one Sunday during the football season and an email from another friend H who hadn't bothered to talk to me for 6 months. Besides that no one has reached out and neither have I.

It's hard because part of me misses the friendships we had. We were best friends for practically 15 years. Mel, H and I for about 10. That seems like forever. Then I was reading Chelsea's blog last week. She wrote:

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about all of the things that we keep past the point of going bad; jobs, friends, relationships, that random package of gravy mix?, our presence at a party after the clock strikes midnight and everyone has turned into really fucked up versions of themselves and yet you continue to stay anyway.

The excuses always come down to really inexcusable things like; "but there's so much history...I'm not going to throw it away because we would have wasted so many years together."

It's true. I guess it's done. It's sad but I think we all just grew into different people with different values and ideals.

It was really hard for me to write this entry. I think because I hadn't fully faced it yet, I hadn't come to terms with it. I wanted to write it back in December but I wasn't ready to yet.