Alpha-Female

I am an alpha-female. My friend Sean called me that on Saturday and it's so true. I have guy-like tendencies, which I can only attribute to hanging out with my dad all the time when I was growing up. He wanted a son and in turn raised me as one. He claims he didn't, he just raised me like a kid, but he did things with me that a father would do with a son. We played catch, I would go with him to work on boats, he gave me an old socket wrench set as a toy, I wore jeans and t-shirts and sneakers instead of dresses and skirts. I had legos and cars (don't get me wrong, I had Barbies, too, but I preferred my cars over the Barbies). It's not all my dad's fault, my mom was never a girly girl. She didn't teach me the proper girl things like how to do my hair and how to put on makeup.

Looking at me now you would never consider me a tom-boy. I grew into a strong female, but if you look under the surface I am not typical. I am tough and proud (sometimes to a fault), I'm hard-working, I have that "provider" drive that is instilled in men from the time they're born, I'm sort of lax about things that guys are usually lax about (familial obligations, cleaning, cooking, etc...I care about those things to an extent but it all comes down to time) I am a slight control-freak. The control-freak part is what Sean pointed out. I like being the one to drive. I hate the way Brian drives, and not in the typical "OMG you're going too fast" girlfriend type of way. I feel like he doesn't have complete control of the car, like he's not experienced enough to drive the way he wants to. I admittedly drive fast and aggressively, but never reckless. I know exactly what I'm doing at all times and enjoy it. Saturday we were on the Henry Hudson and Westside Highway (my favorite roads to drive on...I blame it on when I used to commute) and I was driving in a way that Brian LIKES to drive in, but he is reckless about it. Sean said, "If Bri were driving right now you'd be having a heart attack," and it's true. Don't get me wrong, I definitely have that female side to me. He's affectionately nick-named me "Mama Linds" when I get my maternal side going.

Sometimes I don't like that masculine side of me. Like with the situation with my old friends. I got mad and offended and hurt, and instead of talking things out and emailing back and forth, I got all, "this is bullshit, fuck you then." Which might not have been the best response. I was unwilling to bend, and everytime I thought about everything I got so mad that I couldn't even bring myself to deal with. Typical guy behavior. I've learned from that, though.

My friend Carla and I were having problems, which was news to me today. I emailed her to say hi because I haven't talked with her lately and she wrote me back an email telling me how something I did bothered her. Even though I had to be the one to email her, I respect the fact that she was real with me instead of being fake, like "HI! I'm good! What's up with you?" which is what I think my old friends would have done. I got a little too proud for a second, then stopped and thought about it and wrote her back a thought out and honest email. I hope everything works out because I consider her a good friend. It's true what they say, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.