My life is turning into a series of "moments"

I'm having a moment. When am I NOT having a moment, lately?

I'm not living right and there isn't enough time in a day and there aren't enough days to fix everything that is broken. I'm trying, though, and at least I still know what "right" is. That amounts to something right? No, this is the real world and that amounts to absolutely nothing.

Sometimes I still feel like I'm not ready for this. Not often, but definitely right now.

I can't even handle life, and Christmas is coming (with the need to buy gifts and cook food and organize family) and then vacation (thank fucking god)...I just need to get through these next 7 days, do them right, and then it will be the beach, and then the New Year when I can fix everything, or repeat the same mistakes I made this year. We'll see.

8 Years.

8 years ago today, on December 5th, 2001, Brian asked me to be his girlfriend. Which sounds insane as I write this, because at this point in life I am much more than just his "girlfriend." I think the best way to document our relationship for everyone to see (and thoroughly embarrass ourselves by showcasing our awkward phases, such as straight-edge-hardcore and bad-dye-job-Brooklyn) is through pictures!

2001, in Florida at Gainesville Fest (more specifically, Steak N Shake)

2002, at my parents' house on his 19th birthday

2003, at my house, after acquiring a test press of our favorite record

2003, at the Jersey shore

2004, also at the Jersey shore

2005, on Broadway downtown after our 4th anniversary

2006, in Little Italy

2006, at Alessandra's New Years Eve Sweet 16

2007, Easter brunch (with my grandpa)

2007, Halloween in NYC (I'm obviously a bee, Brian's obviously himself)

2008, in San Diego

2008, in Staniel Cay, Bahamas

2009, in our kitchen

...& many more to come!

Twilight

Ok, so I might be a little late to jump on the whole, "OMG TWILIGHT" boat, but at least I'm on it now, right? I am completely embarrassed to admit it but I'm obsessed! Not in the, "I'm going to wear my TEAM EDWARD (or TEAM JACOB, the jury's still out on that one) t-shirt to go see New Moon tonight" sense, but in the "I can't fucking wait to see New Moon tonight" sense. I am 26 years old, after all, I had to draw the line somewhere.

It happened like this:

We went to the movies awhile ago and they played a trailer for New Moon. Bri and I both looked at each other and said, "That actually looks pretty good." So I had him download me the first Twilight movie and I fell in love. It was so romantic, dangerous and very "Romeo and Juliet" with the whole forbidden-love thing. It doesn't even have anything to do with my non-existent love of vampires or my non-existent crush on R-Pattz (ugh, did I just say that??? Thanks Perez.), I just love the story so much. I borrowed the first book from a friend of mine, finished in a day and a half, bought the box set, finished New Moon in one day, and here I am super excited to go see New Moon in an hour. After which I will probably immediately start reading Eclipse. I don't want to rush it or anything because once I finish the last book in the series it's over, there is nothing after that and I will be pretty bummed.

I can't even believe I just made a blog post about Twilight.

Anxiety Always

1-3 times a year, since the time I was 14 years old, I've had to fight bouts of depression and anxiety. I'd like to say that I'm a bit stronger than a lot of people who are affected by these things, I can recognize them almost immediately and I don't use medication (I should say "anymore," when I was 17 I had such a bad bout that I couldn't leave the house for over a week and then was prescribed Xanax, which I only took when I was so overcome by anxiety that I couldn't deal on my own...I've since learned how). Maybe I'm just lucky and my cases are mild in comparison, who knows. I am at one of those times right now and it's so hard for me. They always come hand-in-hand with the feeling of being completely and utterly overwhelmed. I don't know if the feeling is triggered by the depression/anxiety, or vice versa, I haven't been able to figure that one out yet.

I had a really good conversation with my dad about all of this last fall before he left for his Bahamas boat journey. I was in one of those times and turned to him for advice. He told me that he goes through the same thing and that the best way to cope with that overwhelmed feeling is to make a list. Write down everything that you need to do, whether it's big or small, just all the things that are stressing you out that you need to get to, then do them and cross them off, one by one. I've found that it really helps. The key to getting out of these "things," for me, is to get ahead of myself. Leave nothing un-done. Once all of my things are in order, my head and emotions usually are, too.

This time is different, though. It's not just all of the responsibilities that are stacking up that are weighing me down. I've been emotional lately about how fast time has been passing and all of the adult responsibilities I have. I've been referring to myself as "old and boring" way too much. I've heard this being referred to as a "quarter life crisis" but I was pretty sure I went through this already when I was 21.

It started on Halloween. A month beforehand I had been all excited, I went to the costume store and bought my referee costume and I was planning out all the partying we'd be doing. The day of, however, I came home from work, sat around, went to see my mom, got some lunch with Bri, got flaked on by Dre, had Sean over, watched most of the Yankee game and fell asleep at 11pm. That sort of set the tone for the next few weeks. Then this past Wednesday I went to my parents' house to make some room for storage in my old bedroom. That obviously turned into me going through boxes of photos and finding old mix cd's, staring at framed pictures of me and old friends. It was like I was walking into someone else's room and examining their life. It's not mine anymore. I'm not friends with any of the people in the photos. I, myself, am barely recognizable. The cd's were made by someone with a completely different taste in music. Brian and I listened to them in the car that night, it was as if someone had made me cd's to get me into a new style of music. I didn't even remember half the songs or bands on them.

After dinner we started talking about what age we would relive if we could. My answer was 18. 18 was a great year for me. I was old enough to pull the, "I'm-an-adult-I-can-do-what-I-want" card. I was young enough that I didn't have any responsibilities so I had time to do what I wanted to do. I was running around the city, visiting with friends in New Jersey (and staying for as long as I wanted), taking the China Town bus up to Boston and staying with friends there, going on roadtrips to see bands play, spending every last cent on things that made me happy (records, books, toys, movies, etc.) not things that I NEEDED. I had friends everywhere! I would go to shows and know practically everyone, and they knew me. People were genuinely excited to see me, and me them. I wasn't old enough to start scrutinizing relationships and friendships, I hadn't yet figured out who was actually worth it (and I didn't care). Life, in and of itself, was new, exciting and fun.

I know everyone goes through this, it shouldn't be having such a negative effect on my mental state, but piled on top of being old enough to buy a house (don't even get me started on the stress THAT is causing me), being in charge of running a corporation (six days a week, at that), juggling my everyday responsibilities (which, I'm going to going to go out on a limb and say, are a lot more than most people my age, judging by my highschool friends' facebook statuses)...I'm at a breaking point. I just keep looking forward to that one week from Christmas to New Years, that's the only time I can close the business and oh my god do I need a vacation!

Like my mom always told me, "Just go through the motions."

I miss Junior =(

My chinchilla Junior isn't better yet. We brought him to the vet on Friday night (which meant I unfortunately had to bail on Blood Manor, which actually turned out to be fortunate because my friends waited on line from 11pm-3am and said it sucked!) because his infection wasn't getting any better. They wanted to keep him for the weekend so we left him there. I called this morning just to check in and they say he's still not ok. The vet had said he should be fine by Monday and it's already Tuesday. She said they might need to operate again, I feel terrible that we've put him through this! It was for the greater good, though, so he could be back in the same cage with his sister who he loves. I miss him and I'm really worried.

New Favorite Song

Heard this last weekend while getting ready to go out:

It sounds like something I would've loved in my "punk rock" days! But dancier.

Marilyn Monroe and Why I Love my B

I stumbled upon this quote from Marilyn Monroe the other day:

"I`m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

...and it pretty much sums me up (and probably every other girl in the world). It makes me embrace my awful quirkiness and makes me appreciate B for loving and dealing with me at my worst, best and everywhere in between. If only all men treated all women like that, the world would be great and wonderful, filled with all things cute and cuddly. Which brings to mind something completely unrelated:

This commercial is for a new New York Lottery game, but every time it comes on TV i want to die from cuteness overload.

Where I Live

If any of you have seen this new Verizon commercial, it was filmed where I live. They filmed it not very long ago, I'm surprised it's even on TV yet.

PS: I still love my iPhone!

Important Things Update

I know, I know, I've been a terrible blogger. Sometimes life happens, though, and we can't always update. Some of the more major/awesome things that have been going on with me:

1. I'm buying a house! What!? B and I had been thinking about it a lot lately but definitely didn't think we could afford to buy anything. The business accountant told us we were on schedule to get KILLED on taxes this year, unless we find a way to get more write-offs. Being young and technically single isn't always a good thing in the eyes of the IRS. So we looked at some condo's, only to realize that the condo's in our area are ridiculously overpriced. A one bedroom fixer-upper STARTS at $450,000. We were kind of discouraged until Brian came across a house that looked awesome and was in our price range. The fact that it's an actual house is just an added bonus. On Thursday we signed the contract and wrote the biggest check of our lives, we received their signed contract on Friday and now we're going in to deal with the mortgage stuff on Monday morning. So scary, I feel like I'm playing grown-up!

2. One of my baby chinchillas, Davis, turned out to be Bette Davis. He's a she! We had Brian's parents over on Wednesday night and Davis started digging in his cage. Brian's mom commented that they usually do that when they're pregnant. We realized we hadn't checked their "parts" since they were really young and with chinchillas things change a lot between baby-hood and adulthood. So we looked and freaked out. Davis definitely looked like a girl but we couldn't tell for sure. We called around and found a vet that specializes in chinchillas and exotic animals and brought them Thursday night. Davis turned out to, indeed, be a girl chinchilla. No word yet if she is pregnant, you can't really tell until they're just about to have babies, but it wouldn't be bad for her health if she were. Hoping she's not (and even if she is, so they can still live together in the future), we had Junior neutered. It was so weird not having him home, I actually missed him. I picked him up this afternoon and he is so adorable. I guess he's still out of it from the anesthesia and is just so cute and sleepy looking. He's going to need to stay in a separate cage for about 10 days until he heals up but then everything should be fine. I hate keeping them apart, though. It's so sad.

3. Football season is starting! Two weeks ago I went to the Jet's home opener. Brian and Sean have season tickets so Brendan, Christine and me got tickets, too. We got there early and tailgated and the Jets beat the Patriots. Such an awesome game!

Me and Christine tailgating.

For the past few years I've done a pool with my friends where you have to pick the winners of each week's games and if the score will go over or under. Winner used to get a jersey but now they win the money. I won two years ago and got an Eli Manning jersey. My friends and Brian give me shit because I like the Giants and Jets equally. According to them you have to pick a favorite, you can't possibly like them exactly the same. My mom's side of the family all love the Mets and Jets, my dad's like the Yankees and Giants, so I'm split down the middle. Although in baseball I prefer the Yankees.

4. Speaking of Yankees, we went to see them play the Red Sox last Sunday and they clinched their division and home-field advantage in the play-offs. I had bought the tickets for Brian, my parents and me about a month ago for my birthday. I hoped that the seats I chose were good, they looked really good online but I couldn't tell. When we got there it was raining and we just stood around for awhile before going to our seats. I asked one of the ushers how to get down to our seats and he laughed and said, "pssh you have to have those kind of tickets first". I showed him our tickets and he said, "Oh, well, I guess you do...go over to those giant glass windows, go into the Legends Suite Club entrance and get a bracelet. We were confused, because our tickets didn't anything about a Legends Suite Club. We went into the suite area, which opened up into a restaurant. We wanted to eat a little while there was a rain delay, so we asked the hostess how much the buffet was. She said it was included with our tickets. What? So we sat down to one of the most delicious buffets ever. Fresh sushi, Mediterranean cheese/olive/salad spread, lamb chops, turkey, omelets. Insane. After eating the game was starting so we asked someone how to get to our seats. She said, "Follow me, I'll show you. On your way out grab some snacks." We look at the snacks, which was a table COVERED in all different types of snacks; candy, cracker jacks, cotton candy, chocolate bars, etc. "How much?" "Oh it's all free. Take as much as you want." What? "Oh and at your seat you can ask your server to bring you a menu. Everything on there is free except for alcohol." What? Seriously, hot dogs, TRUFFLE FRIES (amazing, by the way), cheesesteaks, ice cream, nachos, EVERYTHING. FREE. Best birthday present ever. Plus the Yankees went on to win! Here are some photos I took of the game:

A-Rod trying to steal 2nd.

My favorite Yankee, Robinson Cano.

Thhheeee Yankees win!

The Yankees celebrating their division win!

You can see more on my flickr: BrooklynLove

Where the Wild Things Are

Is anyone else as excited to see this as I am?

Inspiration

Before taking this job at my family's business, I wanted to be a writer. Since as far back as I can remember that's the one thing I've LOVED to do. It's the one thing I've been good at. I started writing and illustrating my own stories when I was three or four. I was, what B affectionately refers to me as, a "geek baby." I had journals (2 separate ones, one for creative stuff and one for a diary) my entire life and wrote down EVERYTHING. I was always very private, though, and rarely shared any of my writing. I channeled a lot of my creative energy into my school work, especially for my English classes. My 6th grade English teacher, Ms. Nappi, was the first teacher to REALLY push me. I guess she saw something in me and she really taught me to write (school-wise) to my full potential. I think she took a liking to me when I did my Middle School English entry project on George Orwell's "Animal Farm." In retrospect I guess that is a little outrageous, a 10 year old critiquing and explaining a book in which communism and its class-system is represented by animals on a farm (still one of my favorite books of all time).

Anyway, I kept writing and was convinced I would become a short story or poetry writer, publish books, become a journalist, be a freelance writer (yes, all at the same time) and live in NYC in a kitschy retro-decorated loft. Ah, to be a young idealist. I slowly realized how much of a competitive, dog-eat-dog field writing is, and I'm the opposite of competitive. I didn't want to ruin writing for myself by making it my job, so I chose this instead.

I didn't think that a career would get in the way of my writing, but it did. I was always busy and didn't even have the time to stop and FEEL anything, let alone write about what I'm feeling. I started only being able to write when something was wrong. Which was bad, because every time Brian saw me writing he equated it with me being unhappy. Which was bad, because it lead to questions like, "Do you hate me?" I slowly broke out of that and I'm still learning to appreciate inspiration when it strikes me.

I still write on my pathetic.org page sometimes. A poem of mine was even featured as Poem-of-the-Day in May (I might be lame for being excited about that, but really, it's exciting!):

I want nothing more than to be eloquent.
my words to be deliberate.
precise.
pointed.
to cut through the air like a torpedo.

Past the sentences muddled with stammers.
stutters.
wasted breath.
to arrive at the very thought and feeling.
to convey it the way my heart is beating it.

What made me want to write this entry is a book I bought this weekend, "Bang Ditto" by Amber Tamblyn. Yes, she is one of the girls from Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (and yes, I love that movie regardless of the fact that I'm 26 years old), but that's not who she IS. She's so ridiculously talented. Her views are mature and she twists words in a way that make you see through them to what she's actually FEELING. It is SO inspiring.

My favorite so far (I haven't even come close to finishing and it's only 125 pages. That's how much I love it.):

Earthquake

My entire life has been a huge earthquake
I slept through. All I know are the aftershocks.

The sound of glass being swept up
in my lover's bedroom.

A story I don't remember telling is the headline
of every newspaper the morning after.

My blackouts in big lights.
All I see is the damage I've done.

My mother is the news anchor,
never allowing me to escape her natural disaster.

My father is the kindly neighbor
bringing me a candle and asking about my injuries.

I read a diary of old
New Year's resolutions:

1) Ignore the commentary on your comical thighs.
2) Write more than just repeating his favorite song's lyrics.

3) Report every shooting star to Mindy while out of town.
4) Tell him you love him before he figures out that you don't.

My friends lie to me like a government.
They say the wreckage isn't as bad as it seems.

My old flames head up relief efforts,
raising money to help the hurt survive me.

My thoughts are homeless dogs running wild.
I just want to know the truth.

I'd like to take the Richter Sclae
out for a romantic lie detector test

and when the mood's right,
ask what it really thinks of me.

When it doesn't respond, I'll tell everyone
to sleep in their cars, to move to Florida

where hurricanes announce themselves
before destroying everything.

Labor Day (aka official end of Summer!)

Today is Labor Day! Official holiday for those who bust their asses all year long. To celebrate, Bri and I closed the store and refused to think about or talk about work. That lasted about an hour, but whatever. When you run your own business it's so hard to compartmentalize! I would love to only talk about home things at home, work things at work, fun things when you're having fun, etc. but this is reality and that can't always happen. Like last night at 11:30pm - we're in the car with Sean driving to haunted/scary places and my dad calls to tell me to make a list of my expenses and figure out my monthly nut for the accountant. I love when he does things like that!

Anyway, after much brainstorming bf and I decided to go to the park and have a picnic! There are a few parks in the area but the closest (and my favorite) has 2 picnic areas. The best one is at the top of this big hill and you can look out and see the Hudson River and Westchester. There's grass to sit on and it's really pretty. We tried to go there first but it was SO crowded. Every parked car had a different reggaeton song blasting so we decided to try the other area for a more peaceful day. We were the only ones there, but it wasn't too sunny and there wasn't any grass. Who needs grass anyway? We plopped down our blanket and broke out the sandwiches and had a great time. Well, a great half hour? It took about that long for us to realize there are bugs and dirt and animals in the wilderness. Like this:

It's official, we are city people and definitely not nature people. It was a nice change of pace, though.

Hope all you work-a-holics took a break today and basked in the nothingness!

New favorite song!

"Let the Feelings Go" by Annagrace
Not really new, but I love it!

Birthday!

This Sunday is my birthday! My 26th birthday. I am feeling older than old. Everyone I know who is older than me hates me for saying that, but it's true! My next monumental birthday will be THIRTY. THIRTY! I can't even deal with that. So, let's talk about happier things, like my birthday wishlist!

Hot & Cold prints for my bathroom! Etsy cuteness!

These adorable sheets from Anthropologie!

Christian Louboutin boots. I almost died when I saw the price tag but I loooove them.

Robinson Cano jersey! My birthday present from my parents is tickets for the four of us to go see the Yankees play the Red Sox in September! The only jersey I have is Alex Rodriguez which I promptly stained with pizza grease at the Italian Food Center.

This trench coat from Anthropologie! I saw it there last weekend but B talked me out of trying it on because I have a khaki one almost identical. After further thought (and after finding this blog) I have decided that I have to have it. Khaki and plaid are entirely different.

This shirt from Anthropologie. My mom would call this very "hippy dippy" but I love it.

This collage of mirrors from Anthropologie. It reminds me so much of the first house I ever lived in. It was on the water but inside had a very Soho loft sort of feel. We had tables that were giant wooden spools for fabric/wire (like this), lots of hanging plants, lots of vases and clay pots, the kitchen table was round, made of chunky, solid wood, everything was very rustic but cool. Pretty much, my parents had an awesome design sense without even trying.

Anyway, can you tell I'm obsessed with Anthropologie? I have a love/hate relationship with them, though. I love their stuff but hate their prices.

Update: I hadn't gotten a chance to publish this until today. Yesterday I went to Anthropologie and bought myself some early birthday presents. The coat, the shirt and the sheets (and this tank top in dark grey)! I know, I went a little crazy but I only turn 26 once! (I can justify anything). I wanted to order the mirror but not only is it nearly $700, I think my current apartment is too modern for it. Brian said it wouldn't work and I think he's right. I almost want to buy it and save it for when we get a house because yes, I love it THAT MUCH, but that's a little crazy seeing as we just signed the lease for another year. Right?

So birthday plans. My actual birthday is tomorrow. I'm so happy it's on a Sunday so I can keep up with the tradition of never working on my birthday. Seriously, in the 12 years I've been working, I've NEVER worked on my birthday. Tomorrow we're supposed to go on the boat with my parents and then go out to dinner at Morton's (if you've never been, GO! It's pricey as hell but the food is insane.), but with all this rain I don't know if it will be a boat day. Tonight our friend Asher is having a party (Asher Smasher!) so we will probably go there. I love my birthday weekend!

Life.

I was thinking today about who and where I am at this point in my life, compared to who and where I've been (both geographically and mentally). Often frazzled, stressed, feeling like I've bitten off more than I can chew. Often feeling like I'm PLAYING grown up rather than BEING grown up. I sometimes yearn for more free time. Empty, endless days and nights to fill with whatever I choose. Time to breathe, relax, de-stress, slow down. I can't say I don't enjoy the juggling act, though. I look forward to doing what I can with the time I have. Balancing work with play with personal work and growth. Planning every day and night, or simply not wanting to plan anything at all. I am content (not to be mistaken for complacent). I have a tremendous sense of pride. I am working, earning my keep, providing for those I love, always striving for more and to be better. I answer to no one but myself and that's taught me, if nothing else, to love what I do, do it to the best of my ability and have pride in myself and my work. I am usually able to pick myself up, and sometimes, when I'm not, I'm able to ask for help (but even when I do, I know I ultimately have to help myself). Realizing that I'm only me, not anyone else, and doing what I can with that.

These current feelings have replaced past feelings of inadaquecy, of trying to fill the shoes of someone much bigger, stronger and wiser than I. Worrying that I'll never get "there" (which is now actually "here"). Having every day be a struggle, taking everything I have to just press on and do it all over the next day. ...and worrying that it might not end up being worth it. Getting home at the end of the day, closing the door behind me, dropping my bags, breaking down hysterically due to the weight of it all. Wondering if this is really waht I want, if it makes me happy, if it will EVER make me happy.

"Sometimes I just need to go on autopilot and eventually I'll get to some place good and eventually I'll wake up." - Me, April, 2005

I haven't felt like that in so long and it feels great. I think I'm finally some place good.

New Favorite Song!

LOVE HER.

Today.

...is officially one of the worst days I've had in awhile. I was woken up today at 10:20am by Brian jumping up and screaming, "OH SHIT IT'S 10:20!" We have work at 11am so needless to say I got ready faster than I have in a very long time.

I also happen to be sick. Not full-fledged sick just yet but I'm getting there. My nose and throat are all itchy, burning, drippy at the same exact time. Yesterday I went out and bought a thermometer to keep at the store because I was convinced I had a ridiculously high, burning, scorching fever. I measured up at 97.9 degrees. Hypochondria much? OH speaking of hypochondria, I'm convinced I have Epstein Barr. My dad was diagnosed with it a week or two ago, and apparently it has a 1-2 month incubation period. He caught it somewhere around Miami and I've shared drinks with him since he's been home. While googling Epstein Barr I stumbled across HCMV which now I am also convinced I have. This is why I don't ever go to WebMD. Ever. Another thing I will never do again is watch Monsters Inside Me on Animal Planet. I made that mistake yesterday. I am now terrified of somehow getting brain-embedding parasites.

Back to today. I've seen a total of like 4 people at work today, which is good because I've gotten a lot done, bad because it means we're not making money. Brian and I also got into a fight (or two, or three) about work. I hate fighting, let alone fighting at work (and over work). It is NOT easy to work with the person you love/live with. We do ok with it but sometimes we can't help but stop just short of punching one another other in the face. We're good now but an hour ago? Wow. If anyone would have walked in they would have ran for cover. Gotta love the Italian/Irish tempers!

Hopefully tonight will be better. Yankees/Red Sox game tonight so we'll probably go somewhere to watch. Or I'll feel like death and hangout by myself on the couch. We'll see.

Thomas Hawk's $2 Portraits

While searching for cute pictures of piggies on Flickr (I know, I know...) I came across this photographer Thomas Hawk. His photographs are very good, but I was especially inspired by a series he calls, "$2 Portraits." When people approach him asking for money, he offers them $2 in exchange for their photograph.

He says, "In part I'm undertaking this project because I realize that I've been avoiding people asking me for money. My biggest motivation behind this project however is simply that I think human interaction is a good thing. I'm not doing this to exploit homeless people or show how hard and bad life can be. I'm doing this because I want to celebrate other human beings as human beings and I think that this commercial transaction gives us an opportunity to engage and interact on a more human level... and I also think that I can take a pretty decent portrait."

I think it's a great idea, plus I love reading all their interesting life stories. Here are a few of my favorites:

You can view the rest here.

Tonight!

A-Trak tonight! I love him. I don't love Webster Hall, though. And I have work tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm going to go.

Funny people also comes out tonight. I've been waiting for it to come out for so long, it looks hilarious. Plus RZA is in it! Bonus!

New favorite songs!

I heard these on the way to work this week . The first is the Armin Van Buuren remix of Iio's Rapture. The second is DHT & Edmee - Your Touch. Love!

Empty Phonebook, being independent/anti-social, new friend application

A few weeks ago bf went out and bought the new iPhone, which means I got a hand-me-down iPhone! Which is awesome because never in a million years would I buy myself one (or any new piece of technology for that matter). The day I got it I entered a few of my phonebook entries, swearing that I would finish "later". Needless to say, that never happened. So, I've been surviving comfortably for almost a month without 3/4 of my phonebook.

Every once in awhile I look at my life and the people who are a part of it and realize that everything has changed. I have about seven people that I call/text on a regular basis. 4 of them don't really count as friends because they're Brian, my mom, my dad and my grandpa. I have a decent amount of "friends" but they're more like acquaintances. That's me, though.

I've never been the type of person to surround myself with other people and go to other people for advice. I'm independent. I figure things out on my own. I need "alone-time" more often than I need "friend time." I'm not the type to have a ton of girlfriends who I call to ask what clothes I should wear or how I should wear my hair or just to talk about my day. I like to go shopping, run errands, get food, etc. by myself. Some people might consider this to be anti-social, I prefer the term "self-reliant".

I learned to get on that "bff" level with a group of girlfriends in high school (which carried on until around this time last year) but I definitely had to LEARN it. It doesn't come naturally to me. I look at other girls, they call each other just to bullshit and hangout and get ice cream and that sort of thing. It's not that I don't like doing those things, it just doesn't cross my mind. I guess it depends on the person, though, sometimes friendships just evolve to that naturally. Like that girl Carla I was friends with. She and I would hangout together, I'd go over her house to hang out and watch TV, we went shopping together around Christmas, we would text about funny, unimportant things. I guess we just clicked (I still have no idea why we're not still friends, but whatever). That's not to say that I don't really like these girls I know now. I do! When we hang out we have fun, we have things to talk about, but it's always in a larger group of mixed company. The best time I've had in awhile was hanging out with them in Ocean City.

I don't want to pull the, "I get along SO MUCH BETTER with guys" card, because that seems cliche, but I do! Guys just chill. They don't call other guys for advice. They don't need help making every day decisions. They can go grab some food together without it being a whole "plan." Everything is so "whatever" and that's how friendship has to be for me. If it requires a ton of effort or attention I bolt. I run a business 6 days a week, barely have time to take care of my own things - I don't have time for a high-maintenance friendship. That's why I love Sean. He's almost always down to just chill. He knows me and either gives me the space I need or drags me out of my hermit-like tendencies without me even having to ask.

Pretty much, my ideal friend has to:

- be the perfect mix of fun, outgoing and homebody
- be able to entertain themselves and not have to hang out ALL THE TIME
- introduce me to new things
- not be a slut
- be a good person
- have good family values
- be REAL
- be 100% open and honest
- be totally aware of the fact that I don't NEED them, I want to be friends with them
- be as good to me as I am to them
- not get bent when I'm exhausted from work and just want to sit on my couch "relaxing" wearing sweatpants for hours on end
- not be judgemental
- love me for me

Inquire within!

Yankees!

One of our friends/customers has season tickets for the Yankees and he dropped some off for us last week. They were for Tuesday night vs. the Orioles. We close the store at 6pm and the games usually start at 7pm so I was stressed we'd get there late, but we made awesome time. We left work at around 6:18 and were in the Bronx at 6:35. It was gross and rainy/misty all day, but as soon as we got there it slowed down and finally stopped. The first thing I did was get a hot dog! Baseball games aren't the same without hot dogs. The same could be said for beer, but I'm not a big beer fan. Speaking of beer, I love beer vendors at sports events. This one guy that kept coming by us had the best catch phrase, "Yo. Bee-uhhh." Simple and to the point. Last year we heard this one guy, "Who's drinkin and drivin tonight??? Getcha beeee-uhhh!" Another one makes you answer baseball trivia questions while he pours your beer.

Anyway. So the seats! They were three rows from the field in right field. This is Yankee Stadium so plenty of balls are going out to the right field. We were right by a few fly balls and some almost-home-runs. (I watched the encore when we got home and Bri was on TV!) The new stadium is SO nice. Everyone says they like Citi Field better but Yankee Stadium is definitely pretty awesome. There are so many good food places! I, in case I haven't mentioned, am a bottomless pit. I can eat anything and everything. I had the hot dog when we walked in, a pulled pork sandwich from Brother Jimmy's a little later on and a large garlic fries. Delicious!

To top it all off, the Yankees won! Great night!

B in his Yankees gear. It just stopped raining so that's not drool on his jacket.

Polyvore

I know I might be the last person in the world to sign up for Polyvore, but I don't care. I love this site! Kiera made me a collage a year ago with all things I love (Hello Kitty, coffee, cute clothes, shoes, etc.) and it was adorable. I always wanted to post my outfits, this is a good way to do it without having to take pictures of myself. Here is my outfit for today:

7-18 by Lindsey823 featuring Morgan

Don't get the wrong idea, some of the items aren't exact. Like the headband. It's not a $250 headband (who would even BUY a $250 headband???) I bought it in a 3-pack at CVS for like $5.

New Makeup. (aka my least favorite thing to shop for.)

Tuesday I went to Sephora after work to try and find new summer makeup. I have three shopping trips I hate making: new makeup, new jeans, new bras. I don't know why but they're all awful, almost always. Makeup especially. You're trying to apply, with precision, things in these brightly lit, imperfection-magnifying mirrors. The whole experience, when broken down, is really just how you're unhappy with your natural self and want to hide/change/fake your appearance. Unless you're perfect and want to "enhance" your perfect beauty. Ugh.

I ended up being pretty successful, though, no thanks to any of the sales people. When I was 19-20ish I worked at Sephora. My specialty was fragrance (my dad and bf constantly make fun of my super-human sense of smell, saying that "the nose knows"). However, if they were short-staffed I'd be thrown into cosmetics which I know, admittedly, close to NOTHING about. I'd try and sound like I knew what I was talking about but most of the time it was bullshit. Anyway, I was asking the sales girl for oil-free bronzer, which is absolutely necessary if I don't want my face to look like an oil-slick at my non-air conditioned job. She showed me 3-4 different bronzers, none of which I thought were oil-free (Calvin Klein, Sephora brand, etc.). I told her I'd find her if I needed anything else and went and read the ingredients. Every single one of them had multiple types of oil in them. Great, thanks, I've got it from here. After many applications and re-applications, I left with a new powder (Stay-Matte from Clinique), new bronzer (Park Avenue Princess from Tarte...I later realized that I look like a giant golden metallic robot, so that's getting returned ASAP), a travel kabuki brush from Tarte (<3LOVE<3), some spot treatment from Clinique, a new foundation from Clinique, Sugar lip conditioner from Fresh (best ever, I can't live without this stuff!) and a free deluxe sample of guava body butter from Sephora (so yummy, I love it).

Slightly less painful than I was anticipating. Let's see if I actually wear this stuff, though. I always try out new makeup and end up quickly reverting back to what I'm used to.

Yearly Ornament Shopping

Ok, I don't think I've ever posted about this before, but I collect Christmas ornaments. Hang on, before you pass judgement let me state that I'm not one of those crazy ladies who has like 4 different Christmas trees and they're all color-coordinated or anything. Please, I'm 25 and work 6 days a week, I'm lucky if I can find enough time to put up/take down a single tree.

Growing up my Aunt Lynn owned a Hallmark store, Lynn's Hallmark (very fitting name). When I was five or six she started sending me ornaments for Christmas. It started with one angel every year, from a collection called Mary's Angels. Then she started sending me Barbie ornaments. I had a few Barbies growing up but I wasn't really a Barbie-type of girl (I later sold them on eBay, which makes me feel sort of guilty but whatever). The angels, though, I loved. It was my job to take them out every year and put them on the tree. When it was time to take them down I would put them back in their respective boxes, one by one, carefully wrapping them in bubblewrap and putting their hangers in the box with them so they didn't get lost in storage. They were such a huge part of my Christmas tradition.

I moved into my first apartment when I was 19. I got my first Christmas tree, a pre-lit one from Home Depot. I brought all of MY ornaments from my parents' house and decorated it, sparsely, with pride. That was the year the ornaments stopped coming. I was over 18 and living on my own. Every year since then I've gone to Hallmark in July, the weekend of the ornament premiere, and picked up my ornaments for the year. I still have all of the Mary's Angels ornaments, plus some new series' like Snowball and Tuxedo (it's a big polar bear and a little penguin, it reminds me of Brian and me!) and Fairy Messengers (ignore the totally lame names) which my mom started buying for me. Here are the ornaments I bought for this year (in case anyone cares, which I kind of doubt):

Snowball and Tuxedo

Mary's Angels

Penguin guys. They don't have a name but I get one every year.

Waltz of the Snowflakes! (I got Sugar Plum Fairy last year. I have an unhealthy love for the Nutcracker).

Marigold Fairy

Those are just the Hallmark Ornaments. My mom also makes her own ornaments. Every year I get at least one new one. They're so pretty, so much intricate bead work and the fact that my mom makes them by hand makes them that much more special. This is the first one she ever made me, when she was pregnant with me. I took this photo from my tree two years ago:

OC 2k9 recap!

I decided to close the store for the 4th of July weekend. (I know, it's already the 14th, where have I been??) That was sort of monumental since I'm a work-a-holic and have a serious guilt issue when it comes to closing. We went down Thursday night after having dinner for Kiera's birthday. We got there at around 3am after a long and never-ending car ride and everyone passed out.

Friday was spent at the beach, then home (E and Hope got there), then back to the beach for a non-existent bonfire (lighter fluid? oops.)

Saturday was spent at the beach again. We went to Assateague Island where there are wild horses. Who eat peoples' food and stomp on their blankets. We played a few rounds of dirty bags, read some magazines and went home. We went to Seacrets, everyone got prematurely wasted and we went home early. There was a ton of traffic leaving OC, I was with Brian, Brendan and Deirdre. We blasted A-Trak and had a car dance party. Sean and everyone else was still in traffic so we went to the Point, blasted house music and had an out-of-car dance party. Our second wind left us and we went back to the house.

Sunday we went to OC to walk on the boardwalk, went shopping, ate at Hoopers (giant seafood place!), went back to the house to pack and drove home.

It was exactly what I needed.

Sean and Bri on the beach, showing their love for each other.

Bri & Me @ Hooper's

Bri, Brendan, E, Hope and Sean @ Seacrets

All of us outside of the house.

I'm not really religious but this sign was posted in front of some religious sand sculptures. It's something I'm going to need to learn to embody when it comes to work.

Work, Dinner, Baseball

Work has been so uncharacteristically busy lately. It usually slows down a bit around May and stays like that until September but it really hasn't happened yet (knock on wood). I'm not sure what's going to happen this year. Last year we noticed a slight increase over the summer so I'm assuming it will be the same this year. I wish it would slow down every so often, though. I know I shouldn't say that - being busy is good and I'm really enjoying being able to support my family, but for the sake of my mental health I do need a little bit of a rest now and then. I noticed it this weekend, I could really use two days off per week. At around 7pm on Sunday I had JUST started winding down from the work week. I could have definitely stayed in bed a little longer this morning and I would have loved to take care of some chores. I didn't get much done this weekend in the way of chores, as soon as the summer comes I just want to have fun on the weekends!

Speaking of fun and weekends, I, well, had a fun weekend. Saturday after work we drove to Staten Island for Brian's cousin Courtney's graduation party. I love his family. My family is so small so being around his big, loud, fun family is so great. The food was awesome, I got to have Ralph's (2nd best ices ever) and overall it was a nice day. Then we went to meet up with Danny and Naomi who also live on Staten Island. We hadn't seen them in at least a year or two so it was cool to catch up and see what they've been up to. They brought us to this place Palo Santo in Park Slope. We'd never been there before and didn't know what to expect. I was ridiculously impressed! First, it's a complete "hole-in-the-wall" place, but without being a hole-in-the-wall place. The restaurant itself is the first floor of a brownstone on a completely residential block. The decor is awesome. There's a garden in the back with a ton of stonework, a fountain and a banana tree (among other plant life). The bar and tables are awesome, they're made of solid wood with all different things imbedded in the surfaces.

For appetizers we ordered fresh tortillas and an avocado salad. Even though the salad is just sliced avocado with red onions, jalapenos and a vinegarette it was so fresh and delicious. I also ordered a cauliflower soup (absolutely amazing) and everyone else ordered the tilefish entree. I tried Brian's and I LOVED it. It is also a wine bar so Danny and Naomi ordered a bottle of wine and I had white wine sangria. Instead of the typical fruits there was zucchini and something that resembled pineapple but was firmer (I couldn't tell what it was, maybe lychee?). It had such a great and earthy flavor. Food-wise the chef (Jacques Gautier) focuses on fresh, locally grown and seasonal ingredients which I love. For dessert I ordered vanilla ice cream with strawberries, blueberries and local honey. The menu changes constantly so I will definitely be going back there again to try more of his food. Here is a promotional video for the restaurant.

Sunday started out awful. I got in a fight with my dad because he and I had conflicting ideas of what our plans were for the morning/afternoon. He wanted to go on the boat, yet he knew we had to go to Brooklyn in the afternoon to pick up Brian's cousin John before the baseball game. After going to their house and hearing him complain non-stop about how he didn't want to be there and how he's not happy unless he's on the boat (note: he had been on his boat for 10 straight months and claimed to have come home because he missed me) I left in a huff and went home and sat in the back. Just being able to sit by the water and spend time with my little garden calmed me down and alleviated some of my stress. I was still cranky, though, and couldn't really snap myself out of it for a few hours. Sean came over, I got ready and we left for Brooklyn. I forgot that the Gay Pride Parade was going on in the city. We got stuck in SO MUCH traffic. Driving down the west side by the village was cool, though (despite the traffic). It was nice to see so many people coming together and celebrating a lifestyle that is so often looked down upon. I'm very lucky that my mom raised me to be open-minded and accepting of everyone. I feel bad for people who are so angry and negative that they can't see past their own hate to realize that, underneath it all, we're all human and deserve to live freely any way we choose to.

We finally got to Brooklyn, picked up John, sat in a ridiculous amount of Belt/Van Wyck traffic. Here is B in traffic:

The game was SO good. It was such a close game the whole time and the Yankees won! We watched Mariano Rivera get his 500th career save which was awesome. We've witnessed a few Yankees milestones. Derek Jeter's first grand slam, Tino's comeback, Bernie William's last game at Yankee Stadium. I'm sure there have been more. Robinson Cano's first major league game (not a milestone but I love him so it was cool for me). Sean wasn't happy (he's a Mets fan) but he still had fun. This was my second game at Citi Field, now I need to go to the new Yankee Stadium!

The Hangover

I saw the Hangover last night. If you haven't heard anything about it yet, let me be the first one to tell you that you have to see this movie. I don't think I stopped laughing for more than five minutes straight throughout the whole movie (spoiler: except for when I saw an Asian man's non-existent penis. Then I was quietly disgusted for a little while). Completely hilarious.

I love good comedies but they're pretty hard to find. They're either filled with jokes, comments and scenes about naked hot girls, which would probably be funny if I were part of the 15-60 year old male demographic, or they're just stupid, not really funny at all and just awkward. I love Judd Apatow for the most part and movies like Role Models, I Love You, Man, etc.

Anyway, The Hangover...totally worth seeing. Besides the rest of the ridiculous funny cast, it has one of my favorite actors, Bradley Cooper:
I read an interview with him awhile ago in Elle, not only is he really talented he seems like a good guy (the interviewer bothers me, though). I like how he always plays that friend, wing-man type of role. At least he did in "Failure to Launch". I know, I know, romantic comedies. I'm female, it happens.