Anxiety Always

1-3 times a year, since the time I was 14 years old, I've had to fight bouts of depression and anxiety. I'd like to say that I'm a bit stronger than a lot of people who are affected by these things, I can recognize them almost immediately and I don't use medication (I should say "anymore," when I was 17 I had such a bad bout that I couldn't leave the house for over a week and then was prescribed Xanax, which I only took when I was so overcome by anxiety that I couldn't deal on my own...I've since learned how). Maybe I'm just lucky and my cases are mild in comparison, who knows. I am at one of those times right now and it's so hard for me. They always come hand-in-hand with the feeling of being completely and utterly overwhelmed. I don't know if the feeling is triggered by the depression/anxiety, or vice versa, I haven't been able to figure that one out yet.

I had a really good conversation with my dad about all of this last fall before he left for his Bahamas boat journey. I was in one of those times and turned to him for advice. He told me that he goes through the same thing and that the best way to cope with that overwhelmed feeling is to make a list. Write down everything that you need to do, whether it's big or small, just all the things that are stressing you out that you need to get to, then do them and cross them off, one by one. I've found that it really helps. The key to getting out of these "things," for me, is to get ahead of myself. Leave nothing un-done. Once all of my things are in order, my head and emotions usually are, too.

This time is different, though. It's not just all of the responsibilities that are stacking up that are weighing me down. I've been emotional lately about how fast time has been passing and all of the adult responsibilities I have. I've been referring to myself as "old and boring" way too much. I've heard this being referred to as a "quarter life crisis" but I was pretty sure I went through this already when I was 21.

It started on Halloween. A month beforehand I had been all excited, I went to the costume store and bought my referee costume and I was planning out all the partying we'd be doing. The day of, however, I came home from work, sat around, went to see my mom, got some lunch with Bri, got flaked on by Dre, had Sean over, watched most of the Yankee game and fell asleep at 11pm. That sort of set the tone for the next few weeks. Then this past Wednesday I went to my parents' house to make some room for storage in my old bedroom. That obviously turned into me going through boxes of photos and finding old mix cd's, staring at framed pictures of me and old friends. It was like I was walking into someone else's room and examining their life. It's not mine anymore. I'm not friends with any of the people in the photos. I, myself, am barely recognizable. The cd's were made by someone with a completely different taste in music. Brian and I listened to them in the car that night, it was as if someone had made me cd's to get me into a new style of music. I didn't even remember half the songs or bands on them.

After dinner we started talking about what age we would relive if we could. My answer was 18. 18 was a great year for me. I was old enough to pull the, "I'm-an-adult-I-can-do-what-I-want" card. I was young enough that I didn't have any responsibilities so I had time to do what I wanted to do. I was running around the city, visiting with friends in New Jersey (and staying for as long as I wanted), taking the China Town bus up to Boston and staying with friends there, going on roadtrips to see bands play, spending every last cent on things that made me happy (records, books, toys, movies, etc.) not things that I NEEDED. I had friends everywhere! I would go to shows and know practically everyone, and they knew me. People were genuinely excited to see me, and me them. I wasn't old enough to start scrutinizing relationships and friendships, I hadn't yet figured out who was actually worth it (and I didn't care). Life, in and of itself, was new, exciting and fun.

I know everyone goes through this, it shouldn't be having such a negative effect on my mental state, but piled on top of being old enough to buy a house (don't even get me started on the stress THAT is causing me), being in charge of running a corporation (six days a week, at that), juggling my everyday responsibilities (which, I'm going to going to go out on a limb and say, are a lot more than most people my age, judging by my highschool friends' facebook statuses)...I'm at a breaking point. I just keep looking forward to that one week from Christmas to New Years, that's the only time I can close the business and oh my god do I need a vacation!

Like my mom always told me, "Just go through the motions."