I was thinking today about who and where I am at this point in my life, compared to who and where I've been (both geographically and mentally). Often frazzled, stressed, feeling like I've bitten off more than I can chew. Often feeling like I'm PLAYING grown up rather than BEING grown up. I sometimes yearn for more free time. Empty, endless days and nights to fill with whatever I choose. Time to breathe, relax, de-stress, slow down. I can't say I don't enjoy the juggling act, though. I look forward to doing what I can with the time I have. Balancing work with play with personal work and growth. Planning every day and night, or simply not wanting to plan anything at all. I am content (not to be mistaken for complacent). I have a tremendous sense of pride. I am working, earning my keep, providing for those I love, always striving for more and to be better. I answer to no one but myself and that's taught me, if nothing else, to love what I do, do it to the best of my ability and have pride in myself and my work. I am usually able to pick myself up, and sometimes, when I'm not, I'm able to ask for help (but even when I do, I know I ultimately have to help myself). Realizing that I'm only me, not anyone else, and doing what I can with that.
These current feelings have replaced past feelings of inadaquecy, of trying to fill the shoes of someone much bigger, stronger and wiser than I. Worrying that I'll never get "there" (which is now actually "here"). Having every day be a struggle, taking everything I have to just press on and do it all over the next day. ...and worrying that it might not end up being worth it. Getting home at the end of the day, closing the door behind me, dropping my bags, breaking down hysterically due to the weight of it all. Wondering if this is really waht I want, if it makes me happy, if it will EVER make me happy.
"Sometimes I just need to go on autopilot and eventually I'll get to some place good and eventually I'll wake up." - Me, April, 2005
I haven't felt like that in so long and it feels great. I think I'm finally some place good.
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Your blog makes me feel all warm and sun-shiney. I love it! :)
ReplyDelete1. You left a comment on one of my posts asking about my turquoise vase - it was actually a wedding present, and I believe it was from Crate & Barrel. (Somewhere I am to cheap to shop, but love getting gifts from. Heehee.)
2. I totally, totally get this post. You put it out there so incredibly perfectly. My favorite part is where you wrote: "Realizing that I'm only me, not anyone else, and doing what I can with that." That is EXACTLY it. I think that is the contentment that everyone strives for, you know? And I'm incredibly delighted that you are finding that for yourself.
My middle name is Sunshine (seriously) so I wanted something to be all happy and sunny, so thank you! =) I LOVE that vase, it's so pretty and beachy. Crate and Barrel is one of my vices, I can't escape that place. As for my post, thank you for getting it. I just realized the other day how far I've come and had to get it all down.
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