17 Year Old Me

"Memories of the past year seek me out. They don't want me to forget who I am, what I've seen, what I've done, and who I've become. I turn away, in hopes to solely concentrate on the present. Yet they persist...they nudge their way back in, and pry open the locked box in the back of my mind...releasing memories of all the pain and confusion I've known. I'm not that person any longer. I've moved on, turned down a different road than the one I was traveling on. I've made a new life here, wherever "here" may be. I know the wounds of the past will never heal, but the scars that face me everyday serve as a reminder of how far I've come. As the night falls down, on this small New Jersey town, my memories are a state away. Yet they're rendered back to me as consistantly as the flicker of the lightening bug that's flying around this yard. A backyard has never been so comforting, and I've never felt so at home. Stay with me, memories. I beg you.

Basically...I'm acknowledging this as a new chapter in my book of life. Change can be good, as long as you never forget your past. Distance is nothing to be afraid of. As long as I can look to the sky at night, in hopes of finding an answer, and the moon is still up above me...I know that I have a constant, and that everything will be alright. Believe me, I've been checking for it."

- written June 27, 2001

I wrote that 1st section sitting on my exboyfriend's porch in Paramus, NJ. He was older and had his own apartment - I had been staying with him for awhile to get my head straight. 17 was a rollercoaster for me. I had made the decision to leave school and work full-time, which is a decision that, to this day, I fully stand behind. It's what I wanted but by no means was it easy. In order for me to keep moving forward I had to temporarily leave the past behind me. My friends, my family, everything. I had to make myself feel like I was wholly starting over, otherwise I would have been torn in too many directions for my volatile and confused 17-year-old mind to handle. Most people at that age are being Seniors, going to prom, being stupid, immature and loving every second of it. I wanted nothing to do with all of that. I just wanted to LIVE already.